September 11, 2010

Been there/done that

You know that feeling when you think you have been in this scene before? Where you have the odd sense you have lived through this situation before? You rack your brain to figure out what is so familiar with what is happening?

I thought I was having a déjà vu, but upon further investigation I have recognized the condition that has entered my life is merely a repeat of last year; perhaps it is the movie Ground Hog Day in mid September. Or is it?

This event I recount is Homecoming Week at our local, rural High School. This year again, Alex is the Manager of the boy’s football team. She is in charge of water, as well as tee removal during the home games. Last year she was number 64, this year she is number 45.

Yes, it seems high school events are just as structured and predictable as me. The Homecoming Dance is preceded by Homecoming Week, the Homecoming Parade and the Homecoming Game. And this year, rather than personally attending these events I am able to live vicariously through my blog; yet another advantage to my past year of journaling. Or am I just excusing my lack of interest and attendance and confusing it with been there/done that?

So I’ve appeased myself and reread last year’s entry; Homecoming . It is ground hog day and almost everything is the same, except our sadness over Lucy’s death has been replaced by our sadness over Courtney and John’s absence. The parade was the same parade and the football game was the same game, except this year the Longhorns won by a score of 51 to 0. I still have the same trepidation about the homecoming dance, except this year I believe Alex is more mature and better able to appropriately ask girl friends to dance.

But there still is something deeply wrong this year; the reason déjà vu and ground hog day do not accurately reflect this year’s homecoming experience. What is wrong with this picture? Why the ennui? I know the answer; it is the emptiness in our house.

I am currently a single, laid-off, stay at home Mom. These titles are not by my own desire. I have always worked and always had my husband by my side. This is not the case anymore; we have had to adjust in our new economy. But still our overriding belief is that things will work out in the long run. I believe in keeping the faith and staying focused.

John has been gone for five days for his new job and I am still getting used to it. I know I will, and certainly having Tom and Alex and their needs to take care of are a great distraction. However, it is hard and in my adjustment phase I have become a bit of a recluse.

This is not a bad thing, rather part of my metamorphosis, but this did prevent me from really wanting to participate in the Homecoming week. I just did not want to – rather a new experience for me to avoid a community celebration. Just like my daughter, I love a good party.

I recognize I am completely excusing and compensating for this inability to be a part of the homecoming celebration this year. I have become the master of rationalization, the chief of avoidance and the captain of elusion. This was not déjà vu or ground hog day at all, merely a mom trying to adjust to her new life. Been there/done that is my motto, temporary I hope!

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